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I forgot this even existed.

I re-read a lot of my older posts but then I started tearing up. Is it just me that misses the past? Misses the simplicity of life before you were supposed to know how you were going to make it in this life? Sometimes, I find it to be too much.

I really am happy in the present, but I can't help wonder if things could have played out differently. If I had made different choices or voiced my feelings prior to when it was too late. I suppose I will never know whether things would have turned out another way.

College life is fun, possibly too fun? I am constantly stuck in the mindset that I am not doing the right thing or talking to the right boy and then once it is over I regret the way I delt with certain situation. I just don't know what to do with myself. I am in college, doing relatively well...but I am still so LOST.

I think about the moments where I am completely content, but I feel those are too hard to hold onto. The person or situation in which these feelings arise tend to be very temporary and I am once again sitting by myself wondering what went wrong.

I spent the month of June in Paris. Paris, FRANCE. The place that I have always forseen myself making a future in. I could not have had a better time and coming back was probably the most depressing couple of days I've ever had. But I don't have the money or resources to seriously make a home there, as of yet. But being there made me really realise that I want to get out of the U.S. Being in France helped me with so many things I can't exactly pinpoint. I was active, I was happy, I was learning new things daily...It was just a different FEELING.

Bah...So many things that are in my head that are hard to translate into words. But, i'm glad I remembered this existed.

Looks like I made a mess again
Heartbreak everywhere I step
This fire is getting hot again
But I touch the flame 'cause I'm a curious cat
Creeping where I don't belong
Finding out what I knew all along
Crying all alone
And it's all my fault, all my fault

Yeah, I did it again...again

Oh, I'm getting tired of believing
Even sicker of pretending
That it's not so bad, just wait it out
Oh, I think you're feeding me lies again
The only good man left wasn't him
And that's how I feel right now so just let me be
Let me be

It's bad enough we get along so well

Crawling on my hands and knees while hysterically giggling is not the reaction I would have expected.


What else could we do, yaknow?

It's impossible to ignore you

Talking about the future does nothing but frustrate me. I feel like I should know, even though I'm pretty sure no one does. I mean how can you know? Some may know what they think they want to do and which direction their life is going, but there are so many things that can get in the way or sway you in a different direction. Everyone wants to be happy, that's generally the main goal in life, but people can settle for a different happiness then they imagined. Blah, I just want to get to France, once I'm there so many things will be less important.

I love the sun and just laying out and listening to music. It's the most serene feeling ever and in that moment I am always content.

I need a job, hopefully I get the one at OG, but if not, I need to get one soon soon soon.

One of these days
You'll miss your train, and come stay with me
It's always say goodnight and go
We'll have drinks and talk about things
And any excuse to stay awake with you
You'd sleep here, I'd sleep there
But then the heating may be down again
At my convenience
We'd be good, we'd be great together
I just went through the majority of the notes that I kept from 5th grade on and it really makes me laugh how small our problems were. In retrospect, I'm sure they were catastrophic at the time, but really, not having a date to the 8th grade dance? ha, I wish that was my problem.

Over spring break I had to put my childhood into boxes. I'm pretty sure it's one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I no longer have a home in Orlando.

People really amaze me. How oblivious they are, or if not, how little they actually care.

I can't wait until April 1st. We will have our own apartment and I couldn't be more excited. But what I really need is Nicolle to be here perminately. My life isn't as exciting and I'm never in as good as a mood as I am with her.

I'm starting to think I'm destined to be lonely. A whole year and not one boy? Really? Well none that really ended up meaning anything in the end, at least. I've been kinda talking to this one kid, but hes too innocent for me. Those are the ones I attract and I don't understand, I'm not as good of a girl as I seem. Maybe summer? Blah, that's all I ever do is push back the time that something good will happen to me, perhaps sometime between now and never. Yeah that's about right.

Life plays so many games inside of me
and I've had some distant cries, following
and their entwined between the night and sun beams
I wish I were free from this pain in me

graduation, whattttttt?

It's 7 am and I'm awake on the day of freaking graduation. It may have to do a little something with the fact that I went to sleep around 7 pm last night, but who knows. But this is really it, ya know? The last 13 years of our life leading up to this and it will be over in a short amount of time. I have so many mixed emotions with graduating and I'm kinda nervous about which ones will come out at the actual ceremony. Last year I would have just been relieved. But with this year turning out the way it did and me having the most amazing and incredible and inspiring friends in the entire world I'm pretty sad and freaked out that, especially those of us who have been together since sixth grade (if not before), are going to be separated. And not separated as in we wont be in the same classes, as in we won't even be in the same cities. WTF? Why didn't Browning and Deptula open up a college and we could all go there and be the nerd herd for the rest of our lives? Seriously now. I mean there's this summer, but after that everything is going to change more then we could possibly imagine. God Speed everyone and I really hope everything works out in your favor. Life's a bitch but remember that things can always be worse. Congrats class of 07'! It's all over.
One of the kids I grew up playing with has been a missing person for almost two months and I had no idea until today. I can't even believe it, he was such an amazing person. I haven't seen him in like two years because our families all grew apart and they moved, but to hear about this breaks my freaking heart. I pray to God he is found, and found alive. Why is this world so fucked up?

Jul. 8th, 2006

So my brother's been rocking the hell out of europe for the past month and here's his blog if anyone is interested

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Today was so flipping good. I was laughing all day and talking to everyone. I feel like this semester is going to be a lot better, school wise. My life has been fucking rockin since school started, but I just hate school with the power of a thousand suns. I have a 3.5 before Madame Vogt changes my grade to an A! (maybe) so I'm not too down about it, but this semester I'll do better, especially in Plyler.

I love boys. I can't get enough of them. My SAT prep class is infested with cute boys and I don't know if I can handle it. hahaha. Plus Al just called and wants to hang out after I get out of school tomorrow which = a very happy me.

Kristine and I are somewhat friends again. I'm really fucking glad.

A Million Little Pieces changed my life and I cried from the beginning to end.♥
Costume crew talks mad shit = ♥